The Crazy Bug
by imatruenut
Summary: Everybody, even the students at Hogwarts, gets bitten by the crazy bug sometimes
1. Remus Gets Bitten

**AN: Yeah so these are just random one shots of when student(s) in Hogwarts go nuts!!! **

**Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter I would be at a stripper club right now instead of typing some insane disclaimer!**

Remus was sitting in History of Magic bored out of his mind, although he would never admit it to James, Sirius, and Peter. He was grateful that they didn't have this class with him. He shuddered at the thought of what they would say if they knew he was staring blankly at the board along with everyone else in class. As he was listening to Professor Binns drone on about Goblin Riots something came over him.

"Professor Binns", he said.

"Yes, Remus"

"James is a stag", he said. Everyone looked confused.

"Uh-", Professor Binns began.

"Do you realize what this means?" Remus interrupted.

"Er-", Professor Binns began once more.

"It means that if you could find a bag big enough to fit James in you'd have a STAG IN A BAG!!GEDDIT!!A STAG IN A BAG!!" he laughed maniacally. He then jumped on top of his desk and began to dance.

A few people laughed at Lupin's sudden bout of insanity. Others looked concerned.

"I'm not surprised", someone whispered. "Anyone who hangs out with James and Sirius as much as he does is bound to go nuts." There were murmurs of agreement.

Professor Binns was visibly flustered. "MR. LUPIN!" he screamed.

Remus stopped dancing and looked at his Professor very seriously. "You'd better watch it Binns. I'm a Marauder. I'll cut you."

Binns opened his mouth to speak but was cut off by a girl shouting.

"Remus! What has gotten into you!" Lily said. Remus looked at Lily. 'Lily rhymes with Chilly' he thought. 'Chilly rhymes with Billy.' He smiled and said, "Nothin Chilly Billy."

"WHAT!" she screamed.

"Uhhh-", Remus said. He was starting to feel funny again. He looked down. Why was he standing on his desk? Why was everybody staring at him? He sat in his seat.

"Are you feeling all right, Mr. Lupin?" Professor Binns asked. He looked a little scared.

"Er…yeah I think so", Remus said.

"Okay class if you will turn your attention back to the board", said Binns. Pretty soon everybody went back to staring blankly at the board, but a few people were still staring at him warily.

'What was _that _all about?' he wondered. 'Whatever it was I hope it doesn't happen EVER again.'


	2. Last Name Nonsense

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.**

It was a nice warm, sunny day at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The Gryffindors and Ravenclaws had Transiguration together, and despite the fact that Professor McGonagall had stepped out for a moment, everybody was calm and quiet, and they were all doing their work nicely. At least they were until HERMIONE opened her big fat mouth!

"You know what I always wondered?" said Hermione to no one in particular.

"Why Neville got stuck with such an awful last name?" asked Harry.

"Actually, yes, that's exactly what I was thinking about how did you-", began Hermione, but Neville cut her off.

"Shutup, both of you!" said Neville. His face was red in anger.

"Heh! Heh! Calm down Neville", said Harry. "We were only joking and besides you have to admit your last names is pretty awful. _Longbottom_. HA!"

"Oh really Mr. _Potte_r", spat Neville. "Well at least we all know you'll have an excellent career as a _gardener_ when you grow up."

Harry stopped laughing.

"That wasn't funny, Neville" said Ginny.

"Ginny!" exclaimed Ron. "You're not even in our year. What are you doing here!"

She ignored him. Neville lunged at an opportunity.

"Ginny don't ignore your brother" he said. "Don't try to _weasel_ out of answering his question!"

Both Ginny and Ron were red as tomatoes. Then Dean stepped in.

"Stop it Neville" he said. "You could get hurt."

"Is that a _promise_, Mr. _Thomas_?" asked Neville.

"You're being mean Neville" said a dreamy voice behind him. It was Luna.

"Okay this is getting ridiculous" said Ron. Everyone ignored him.

Neville scowled at Luna and said, "I'm jealous of your future husband Luna. I'm sure you're gonna give him lots of _good lovin_, eh?"

"You're crazy Neville" laughed Lavender.

"Oh shut it Lavender!" yelled Neville, serious again. "I'm sick of your bright and _colorful_ attitude!"

"Okay someone seriously needs to stop him" said Hermione.

"I KNOW WHAT TO DO!" Harry yelled abruptly, stopping Neville from using some corny insult on Hermione's last name, and ran out of the room. He came back a couple of minutes later with Dumbledore. Dumbledore looked at Neville and said, "Neville, I understand you've been making fun of people's last names."

"You sound like a _dumb bull_, Professor" said Neville. "Why don't you hit the _door_."

Dumbledore pulled out his wand and pointed it at Neville. "THAT WAS UNCALLED FOR!" he screamed.

"Easy, Dumbledore, easy" said Harry, comforting him.

"Look!" yelled Hermione. She was pointing at Neville, who seemed to be back to his senses.

"What's goin on, guys?" he asked. "What just happened?"

Everyone looked skeptical. 'You seriously don't remember going mad and insulting everyone's last name?" asked Romilda Vane.

Ron opened his mouth but before he could say a single word everybody, even Dumbledore, said "SHUTUP RON!" Ron closed his mouth. Everyone turned back to Neville.

"I don't remember a thing" said Neville.

Just then Professor McGonagall walked in. "What's going on here?" she asked.

"Nothing, Professor" the class chorused.

"What are you doing here, Dumbledore?" asked McGonagall.

"I was just checking up on the students" he said.

"Oh, okay well I'm back now so you may leave" she said.

"Very well" said Dumbledore, and with a quick glance at Neville, he left.

"Now what was _that_ all about?" Professor McGonagall wondered out loud. "The old man must be going senile."

Hermione snickered and whispered to Harry, rather loudly, "Now _McGonagall_ is a truly awful last name." Harry nodded his head in agreement and laughed.

Unfortunately for them, and the entire class, Professor McGonagall heard.

"Shutup, both of you!" she said, pointing at Hermione and Harry.

"Oh here we go again" said Ron.

The whole class groaned.

R&R


	3. Dumbledore is Santy Claus?

**A****N: HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYBODY!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter...or do I...nah I'm just playin I really don't...maybe...but seriously I don't own it.**

It was Christmastime at Hogwarts. Everyone seemed to be in the Christmas spirit. No one, however, was more cheerful than Sirius Black.

"Man, I am so cheerful that its Christmastime" said Sirius.

"We know" said James, Remus, and Peter in unison. They were forced to hear sudden declarations of his love of Christmas almost 24/7 since the beginning of December . It was the 24th now and they were sure he was about to snap completely sooner or later.

"Just a few more hours and its Present City" he said, drooling and rubbing his hands greedily.

"Yes, Sirius, we know" said James. He sighed and rolled his eyes in annoyance and exasperation. Unfortunately for him Sirius saw him. He narrowed his eyes.

"You know nothing" he whispered in a low, venomous voice. "Christmas is the best thing-"

He stopped abruptly and looked at who just passed him in the hall.

"Oh my" said Sirius, fanning himself with his hands. "Oh my, oh my, oh my!"

"What's wrong with you?" asked Remus. Peter was staring at him curiously.

"Do you know who we just passed in the hall?" asked Sirius.

"Yeah" said Remus. "It was Professor Dumbledore."

"Since when did you get all kookie around Dumbledore?" asked James. Sirius frowned at them.

"That wasn't Dumbledore" he said. "It was Santy Claus." He paused and grinned very wide. "And I'm gonna go catch him!" And before James, Sirius, and Peter could even register what he said he had taken off down the hall shouting " SANTY CLAUS! COME BACK!"

Sirius, James, and Peter all looked at each other and shrugged. "If ya cant beat em, join em" said James. Remus and Peter nodded. And all three joined Sirius in running around the school shouting and trying to catch "Santy Claus" aka their oh- so- frightened Headmaster.

Years later they would look back on that night as one of their best Christmases ever.


	4. Never Trip Harry Potter!

** A/N: I be on dat Tropicana!!!!!!**

** Disclaimer: I aint JK...but we do be chillin and sippin on Tropicanas every Sunday no lie!!!!**

Harry was walking down the stairs, just whistling and enjoyin' life. Until he tripped. When he landed on the ground he heard the sound of laughter. He looked up and saw Draco Malfoy standing on the top step, his wand pointed at him.

"Had a nice fall, Potter?" he said.

"First of all Malfoy, yes I did have a nice fall thanks for asking and second- AVADA KADAVRA!!!" he yelled.

Malfoy jumped out of the way just in time. "OMG! YOU ALMOST KILLED ME!" he screamed.

"No I didn't and you'll never prove it," said Harry, grinning.

"I'm gonna tell Dumbledore!" yelled Malfoy.

Harry began sweating and shaking. "N-no n-not D-Dumbledore. Anything but that!"

Draco scowled disapprovingly. "You've been such a wuss around Dumbledore ever since fourth year, Potter."

"WELL WHAT DO YOU EXPECT!" yelled Harry, sobbing now. "HE SH-SHOOK ME!"

"Whatever," said Malfoy. "I'm gonna go tell the headmaster about how you tried to kill me a few seconds ago."

"I can't let you do that Malfoy," said Harry. He reached in his robes, jerked his hand out, and spread Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder everywhere. He put the Full Body Bind on Malfoy and dragged him in a broom cupboard.

As he was walking away Dumbledore came from behind him, smiled and said,"Why, hello Harry."

Harry went rigid and started shouting, "I DIDN'T DO IT! I DIDN'T PUT MY NAME IN THE GOBLET! AAAAGH! HALP! HALP! HE'S AFTER MEEEEEE!"

Dumbledore looked after Harry as he ran away and smiled.

Just then Malfoy came stumbling out of the broom cupboard. He looked at Dumbledore and said "Never trip Harry Potter" and stumbled away.

Dumbledore watched him walk away and smiled even harder. Actually he looked kind of creepy. Then he ran around the castle screaming "LOO!LOO!LOO!" for the rest of the day cause he had nothing else to do.


	5. Music Makes Me Lose Control!

**A/N: Ummm yeah most of the dialogue in this one is from a particular song. **

**Disclaimer: How dare you accuse me of trying to impersonate JK Rowling! No you can't say sorry now! Its too late to 'pologize! Its too laaaaaaate!**

It was just another boringly boring day at Hogwarts. And to top it all of they were in History of Magic which is the most boring class of all boring classes ever. BORING!

"I'm BORED!" yelled Harry.

The whole class looked at him, eager for something to happen.

Professor Binns was a little scared. He still remembered all those years ago when Remus did something similar in his class. He hoped that Harry didn't get up and start dancing on desks like Remus did. He decided to try and stop him before he got out of hand.

"Mr. Potter," he said, nervously.

"Yes," said Harry.

"Can we talk?"

"Yeah," said Harry. "But money talks, so talk Mo'Bucks."

"What?" said Professor Binns.

"I said yeah sure whatcha wanna talk about Binnsy?"

"I just wanted to know if you're feeling alright." said Binns.

"Yep, I'm fine! Fine like red wine! How about you?" said Harry.

"I'm…good, I guess," said Binns. He was a little surprised at Harry's attitude.

'That's good," said Harry.

There was an awkward pause. After a couple seconds Harry decided to break it.

"Can I ask you a favor, Binnsy?" he said.

"Yes, Mr. Potter, what is it?" the ghost asked, curious.

"Can you call me Big Poppa?" said Harry.

"Hey! I thought that was just between us!" said Hermione.

"What!" yelled Ron.

"Shutup, you two," said Harry. He turned back to Professor Binns.

Professor Binns looked at him and said, "Mr. Potter if I call you 'Big Poppa', will you remain calm?"

"Yeah, sure", said Harry, uncalmly.

"Okay…Big Poppa" said Binns, uncomfortably.

Harry smiled and said, "I love it when ya call me Big Poppa!"

Somebody in the back of the class randomly yelled "Life is a Show!"

Ron said, "No its not, it's a movie!"

Suddenly Dumbledore burst into the room. He crashed into the desks and startled the whole class. He was very obviously drunk. He struggled to stand up straight and said, "EVERYBODY IN THE CLASS GETTIN' TIPSY!"

Harry whispered, "Everybody in the class getting' tipsay!"

Ron grabbed Hermione and said, "I LOVE YOU!"

Hermione glared at him and said, "Shutup and let me go!"

Harry aka Big Poppa looked at them and said, "I would really like for you two to be quiet."

They both smiled and said, "You can have whatever you liiiiike."

Then Ron stopped, put his face in his hands, and said, "I can't. I'm too poor!"

Malfoy laughed and said, "HA! Well I'm not! I got galleons to blow-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh! I'm gettin' it in! Lettin' these coins fall all over ya skiin!"

Lavender got up and started dancing and Ron's eyes grew wide. He looked at Harry and said, "She got a donk!"

Big Poppa laughed and said, "Ron! You're the greatest! Do you promise to always stick by my side?"

Ron looked at him seriously and said, "Even if the sky is falling down."

"Okay!" said Neville. "I really think we should all just dance! It'll be okay da da doo doo! Spin that record babe da da doo doo!"

Everybody got up and started dancing. Ron and Hermione were doing the exact same dance and Ron said, "See! She's just like meeee!"

Malfoy was standing on Professor Binns desk throwing Galleons everywhere saying, "Go shawty! It's ya birthday!"

Hermione was scared. "What if we get in trouble?" she said.

Harry looked at her and said, "Why are you so paranoid?"

"Yeah!" said Ron. "You worry 'bout the wrong thangs!"

"Right!" said Dumbledore, popping up from nowhere. "JUST LIVE YOUR LIFE!"

The whole class said, "WHOA! AYAYAYAYAYAYAYYY!"

Then Dumbledore said, "You steady chasin' dat paper! Just live ya life!!"

Harry was really starting to lose it. He went up to Pansy and said, "Hey baby! You can call me Mr. Flinstone! I can make ya bedrock! Ohhhh yeeeeah!"

Pansy said, "Just change clothes and go!"

Hermione had conjured up some fireflies and now they were flying all around the room.

Ernie Macmillan said, " I'd like to make myself believe that Planet Earth turns slowwwwly!"

"Shutup, Ernie!" said Harry.

Ernie looked at him with tears in his eyes and said, "How could you be so heartless?"

Ginny and Luna burst into the room.

Harry saw Ginny, smiled, and said, "Hey Ginny you wanna roll wit me?"

She said, "YEAH!"

"YEAH?"

"YEAH!"

Harry got excited and did a flip. Neville left the class and came back with ten girls surrounding him. Ron looked at Neville in awe and said, "Neville! How'd you get all of these honeys?!"

Neville laughed and said, "Cause I'm on! WIPE ME DOWN!"

Ron took out a napkin and got to wipin'.

Draco looked at Hermione and said, "Have a baby by me baby! Be a millionaire!"

Ron said, "MALFOY I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"

Professor Binns and Dumbledore started doing the Cha Cha Slide.

Harry broke up with Ginny. Ginny started crying. Harry looked at Ginny and said, "I'm sorry Ginny! I never meant to hurt you! I never meant to make you cry, but tonight I'm cleaning out my cupboard!"

Ginny stopped crying, pointed at him and said, "You're hot then you're cold! You're yes then you're no! You're wrong when its right! Its black and its white! We fight, we break up! We kiss, we make up!"

All the girls in the class joined in and pointed at Harry. Harry was overwhelmed and he ran out of the class.

"WAIT!" Neville called to him. "I CAN TRANSFORM YA, HARRY!"

"No, you can't," said Ginny bitterly.

"Hey," said Ron. "Harry left his Invisibility Cloak!"

"That's alright," Hermione said. "Just throw it in da bag!!"

"What bag?" asked Ron.

"Never mind," said Hermione. "BACK TO DANCING!" she bellowed in an unnaturally low voice.

Harry burst back in and said, "I'm sorry I left. I didn't want to hurt anybody. I just want the money, the money and the cars, the cars and the clothes…."

"So basically, you just wanna be successful?" asked Hermione.

"Exactly!" said Harry. "But right now I just wanna dance!"

"SO LET'S DO IT!" said Hermione in her unnaturally deep voice again.

"Yes, let's," said Professor Binns. "Oh, and Ms. Granger, I'd recommend some helium for your unnaturally deep voice!"

And they all danced until the sun went down!


	6. Cupcakes

Hogwarts was calm. It was a lovely spring day and it seemed like the weather was having an effect on all the students and staff. All except one. Albus Dumbledore had been cooped up in his office all day with no one but the portraits of the former headmasters and Fawkes to keep him company. He was currently behind his desk with his hands interlocked and his right eye twitching uncontrollably. He had been in this position for four hours straight and he was about to lose it-AGAIN!

Dumbledore looked around his office once, saw that nobody was there, and said, "Time to bring the cupcakes to the pahty." He laughed. Cupcakes always made him smile. He decided he wanted to make everyone else smile too. He leapt from his desk with surprising speed and rushed out of his office like a madman. He ran straight into none other than Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger. All three of them had cupcakes in their hands. The moment he saw them Dumbledore's eyes widened and he began drooling. "ACCIO!" he screamed. The cupcakes zoomed into his hands and he zoomed away from the trio before they could even register what happened. As he ran Dumbledore thought _I have the cupcakes, now I just need to find the pahty_. He screeched to a halt right outside of Snape's potion class. _Close enough_, he thought. He burst into the room levitating the three cupcakes in front of him. Snape became so startled his hair fell off. Dumbledore did a charm on the cupcakes so there was enough for the whole class now.

"I BROUGHT CUPCAKES FOR THE PAHTY!' he screamed gleefully.

"Not so fast, Dumbledore," said a voice from the doorway. It was Harry, Ron, and Hermione. All of their wands were pointed at Dumbledore.

"Hand over the cupcakes, Professor," said Hermione, "and no one gets hurt."

Dumbledore went ballistic and jumped out of the window.

Snape, the trio, and the whole Potions class stared at the window for a full minute before Snape said, "See class, this is why cupcakes are bad for you."

Then he gobbled them up right in front of them.


	7. The Prank Wars Part 1

Fred and George were the best pranksters Hogwarts had ever seen. Or so they thought. One day they made the mistake of saying that while Sirius and Remus were in the same room. It went a little like this…

Everybody was at Grimmauld Place eating heartily when suddenly Fred stood up. "I would like to say that since this is me and George's last year at Hogwarts it has been a pleasure being the best pranksters Hogwarts has ever seen. Thank you." He sat back down.

Sirius and Remus looked at each other. Then they said, "You guys are NOT the greatest pranksters. WE ARE!"

Fred and George burst into laughter. "Riiiight okay whatever guys."

Remus looked troubled. "Harry, go on tell 'em. Tell 'em who we are!"

Harry said, " I'm not telling nobody nothin'".

Fred's face suddenly lit up. "I HAVE AN IDEA! WE HAVE A PRANK WAR AT HOGWARTS! AFTER ME AND FRED WIN YOU HAVE TO GIVE US A GAZILLION GALLEONS! DEAL?"

"Deal," said Remus and Sirius in unison, "except for the gazillion galleons part."

Dumbledore jumped out from under the table and said, "LET THE PRANK WARS BEGIN!"


End file.
